Fuck this. I’m just not going to text anyone first because that’s when I get anxious and then frustrated.
I’m starting over with my inbox so I’m deleting all of my messages.
I expect too much of people. And I’m constantly disappointed. I wish it wasn’t a big deal to not have my phone on me due to parent’s needing to keep in contact with me. If I didn’t have a cellphone, I think I would be less antsy about people in general. If I can’t get in contact with you until I can see you then I wouldn’t be so anxious about text messages. I understand that people get busy but it still hurts the same. I really need to be busy myself because all this idle time is making me insane.
Every summer, I’m reminded that I need outside activities. I need something to keep me entertained outside of my home. I got a job that only gives me shifts 3 days out of the whole week. I don’t know what to do with my off days. Finding that one job was hard enough. I haven’t made enough money to pay for a roadtrip or even a day at the arcade yet (I’m a waitress btw). I hate going back to this cycle of not knowing what to do with myself. I look at my phone and the one person I wouldn’t mind texting is busy and everyone are either lost causes (because I tried them other summers and they did not respond) or I really can’t tolerate a message from the rest. I’m in a pickle!
I don’t know if it’s just me or the birth control pills, but I feel teen angst and all that “lost” feelings of a teenager more so now than I did while I was in middle school and high school. Sure, I got my period, grew hair in weird places, and my boobs grew but I never understood the “not knowing oneself” til now. I feel so confused and if I didn’t find myself in high school then I should in college, right? Hopefully I do because if I don’t, I’ll be that one adult with multiple midlife crises..
I worked out today. Afterwards, I showered and began eating all my snacks in my dorm.
I don’t understand what I thought I was doing while eating all my snacks after a workout.
I think deep down, I only workout just so that I don’t gain anymore weight. I’m not looking for progress or I would change the way I eat.
I hate when I come to the realization that I’m wasting my life online. I’m literally staring at a screen that gives me nothing. I’m not learning anything nor am I interested with what’s in front of me. Most days, it feels like I’m wasting my life away…
I find it cute that he could say that he sees us married or he wouldn’t mind us getting married when we’re not even together.
This cute guy from the Virgin Islands walked me all the way to my dorm. I was in basketball shorts and an old high school hoodie. Imagine what could have happened if I actually dressed up.
I met him previously at my school’s sauna last semester. He graduated in December and got a job with a security company that works on our campus. I asked him a question and he walked with me and my friend. It wasn’t til he said he was from the Virgin Islands that I remember who he was (we talked about that while we were in the sauna). I asked him if he went to the sauna last semester and he confirmed it and I asked him if he remembered my face with an afro, cause I have twists in right now, and he finally remember me. I hope I see him around campus again.
For my school’s spring concert, they have Kendrick Lamar. I’m not a big fan.. Or a fan at all but it’s the cheapest concert I’l be able to go to and I must go to a concert this year (it’s on my bucket list). I’ll try to get into him before April 6th so I can get excited and rap/sing along with everyone else. I hope they get Elle Varner to come also.
My Valentine for 2013.
I’m documenting this so years from now I can look back and say, “This was my first Valentine.”
The awkward moment when your boss is so interested in your love life with your coworker.
My boss literally asked the guy, “Isn’t it weird working with her?”
I think, sometimes, I just like to cry to get all my frustration out.
It just feels amazing after I let the tears go. Like every drop is something that’s been annoying me lately.